Understanding your Children’s Needs Following Separation or Divorce

Strategies for Your Children at Any Age

Children of all ages and sexes usually share these three reactions to their parents’ separation or divorce:

· They maintain a passionate desire to see their parents reunited

· They feel sad and angry, and

· They want their parents to stop fighting

Researchers estimate that children need three years to get used to their parents’ separation or divorce, and that the first year is the most difficult for them. During that time, almost all children experience shock, depression, denial, anger, low self-esteem, shame, and (especially among younger children) guilt-they think they caused the divorce.

First and foremost, children need to know that their basis physical needs will be met. Despite the fact that often one parent provides considerably more child care than the other, most children feel cared for by both parents. A separation or divorce brings on feelings of loss and fear that their needs won’t be met. It is often hard for children when they realize that they will be cared for by one parent at a time.

Children want the conflict between their parents to lessen, if not end altogether. However difficult as it may seem now, you and the other parent must find ways to work together without having your discussion deteriorate into arguments.

This brief article is for the purpose of suggesting ways to reassure your children that they will continue to be loved and cared for.

Reduce Conflict Between Parents

Ongoing conflict can be devastating for children of any age. Children burdened by ongoing conflict often have problems performing in school and relating to their friends, parents, and other relatives. You will take an enormous amount of pressure off your children if you can work with the other parent without arguing regularly.

Managing conflict is difficult, but can be done. There are resources cited at the end of this article which provide helpful information. Consultation with a skilled family law attorney will also provide relevant suggestions as to managing this conflict, and may well provide you with appropriate referrals to co-parenting counselors, and other resources.

Help Children Maintain Good Relationships with Both Parents

Almost all children whose parents separate or divorce struggle at one time or another with how to be loyal to both parents. Some children have trouble showing that they love each parent equally. Others are pressured by one parent (directly or subtly) to show they love that parent more than the other. Parents who demand this of their children are putting them in an almost impossible situation. The authors of Mom’s House, Dad’s House, (Macmillan Publishing 1980) offer an important insight into the tension these feelings produce:

“If we think of ourselves as part our mother and part our father, it may be easier to see how conflicting and frightening it can be to have one part inside of us hate the other part that is also inside.”

It is important that each parent keep this in mind. Whenever they have a feeling or a tendency to disparage the other parent to the child, or to make negative comments, a thoughtful parent will think to him/herself that their child has one-half of the other parent in the child, and that disparaging the other parent to the child is going to be perceived as a criticism of part of the child itself. None of us want to criticize our child or to demean them, but this is what we are doing if we criticize and demean the other parent.

To minimize any “loyalty” issues for your children, try to:

· Balance the time that your children spend in each home

· Be aware of what your children’s lives are like when home

· Strengthen your children’s relationship with each parent, and

· Reduce your children’s exposure to the conflict between you and the other parent.

Establish a Sense of Family with Each Parent

It is common for both adults and children to worry about how parents and children will get along after the adults separate or divorce. Whether the parents remain single or have new partners, each parent must develop new ways to establish a family environment for the children. Here are some suggestions:

· Establish a “normal” schedule with regular routines and special traditions that your children can share

· Do not raise false hopes of reconciliation

· Find a secure spot for your children to leave their things, and

· Explore your new neighborhood with your children if you moved away from the family home

If a Parent Has a New Partner

Managing your life as a single parent will be quite challenging. It will be even more complex if you form a new relationship, especially when your children are living in your home. Here are some ways to deal with the challenges a new partner might introduce:

Keep the relationship separate from your children until it becomes serious. Your children may develop a close attachment to your new partner and may have difficulty dealing with any breakup. One way to safeguard your children’s feelings is to minimize contact between your new partner and your children. When your children and new partner do meet, keep it brief and casual until the relationship becomes serious. When your partner does stay over, be sure your children know there will be a guest at breakfast.

Be honest, but selective, in what you tell your children. Many parents are so pleased to have a new love interest that they are tempted to talk to their children as if they were adults. Though your children may be flattered if you take them into your confidence, information about adult relationships can be overwhelming for children. For these reasons, openly acknowledge your new relationship and feelings when it becomes serious, but keep the details to yourself.

Decide what relationship your new partner will have with your children. If your relationship with a new partner becomes serious, you must consider what role your partner will have with your children. This subject will certainly be of interest to your children, and it may cause some conflict between you and the other parent.

This decision may best be made after everyone involved is consulted. Among the questions you’ll want to consider are your partner’s role in:

· Administering discipline

· Providing child care

· Sharing in household responsibilities

· Participating in family events

· Traveling on vacations, and

· Making parenting decisions.

Keep Your Children From Growing Up Too Soon

Although everyone must assume new responsibilities after a separation or divorce, you must be careful not to overload your children. Though most children are pleased to help when times get tough, some parents take this too far. For example, older children are sometimes asked to assume nearly all responsibilities for caring for younger siblings, cooking, and cleaning. Although you may not feel you have many options, it’s important to avoid turning your child into a full-time housekeeper and babysitter.

Many parents experience intense emotional pressures from the changes that come after separation or divorce. The need to make more decisions, respond to your children’s questions, and support your children during their own adjustment period can leave you feeling overwhelmed. Although parents and children are natural sources of support for each other, parents should not rely heavily on their children for this support. Taking on the quasi-adult rules of confidante and comforter can cause serious psychological problems for your children later in life. Find another adult to confide in and help relieve your own stress so you are ready and able to support your children.

You can address these concerns by including counseling or other emotional support in your parenting agreement, and by sharing more evenly the physical tasks of child rearing.

It is important to realize, also, that consultation with a skilled family law attorney who addresses custody and visitation issues, can be of great help in preparing such a parenting agreement, and in providing necessary advice in counseling to address these concerns.

Help Children Who Are Having Difficulty Adjusting

Separation and divorce present difficulties for all children, but some children have an unusually difficult time adjusting. Boys tend to become more aggressive, and girls often become depressed and withdrawn. No one expects children or parents to be happy with all aspects of a custody/visitation parenting arrangement, but children should be able to develop a generally positive attitude over time. If your children are having problems adjusting, you will need to intervene.

So how exactly are you going to know if your child needs extra help adjusting to the new arrangements or dealing with difficult feelings? Unfortunately, there really aren’t any hard and fast rules. There are, however, some indications that you might want to look more closely into whether your child might need help. With younger children, losing ground in their developmental achievements (such as sleeping through the night, staying “dry,” playing independently for age-appropriate lengths of time, and maintaining friendships) can sometimes be a clue that they are having difficulty handling their feelings. A little change here and there is to be expected, but if it goes on for a long time, think about asking for help. Often your doctor, a child care provider, relative, or school professional can give you ideas about whether your child appears stressed.

Elementary school-aged children may show their distress other ways. Big changes in behavior are a good indicator. For example, a normally outgoing child might suddenly become clingy, decide not to play with friends, during or after school, or want to drop out of activities they have always enjoyed. Children who have many friends might suddenly be “in a fight” with everyone and assure you they have no friends, and they don’t care. A shy child might become nearly silent.

As children get to middle and high school ages, their behavior might be harder to read-but it is certainly no less important to wonder how they are doing. One of the challenges with older children and adolescents, though, is that their behavior can vary from one day to the next for any reason or no reason. With these older kids, you will need to ask questions as well as to observe their behavior. And you need to be patient. Sometimes it will be just as important to discover what they don’t say as to hear what they do say. For example, a child who seems falsely happy all the time might open up some if you explain that you would find it strange if they were completely okay with all the changes in their lives. Similarly, a child who is constantly whining and complaining might rise to the challenge if you can notice something (even if it is small, like a music video, or a new game) they appear to be interested in or good at.

As with younger children, however, big changes in behavior, or suddenly exaggerated behavior, might be a clue to how your child is doing. A good student might start failing their classes, or getting into trouble at school. A child who is “popular” might suddenly be at the center of every activity, group of friends, and social event-to the exclusion of almost everything else. A child who has previously only had “friendships” with the opposite sex might suddenly become “attached” to a boy or girl to the exclusion of all other friends.

Overall it can be hard to know what’s up with your child. Often a good place to start is to find out what is “normal” for their age and stage of development. Several resources can help you understand how children generally react to separation and divorce and how to recognize the symptoms of a truly troubled child.

Ask your librarian or public mental health department for a list of books, magazines, and videos containing information on these issues. Four excellent books are:

Divorce and your Child by Sonja Goldstein and Albert Solnit (Yale University Press, 1984)

How It Feels When parents Divorce, by Jill Krementz (Alfred A. Knopf, 1984)

Mom’s House, Dad’s House, by Isolina Ricci (Macmillan Publishing, 1980), and

Building a Parenting Agreement That Works, (Nolo Press 6th Edition, 2007)